A Year Later & Restarting .. Again

Before covid I was great.. weren't we all, though? at least part of something in each of us was. What the hell happened? And no I don't mean the obvious. It was not just a sickness; it broke a lot of us.

More death, grieving, and stress. We all needed to slow down, take time to process - at least that's what we needed, but then didn't even get it. By slowing the world down we also amped ourselves up .. amped up stress, money needs, job losses, and emotional confusion + distress. None of us will be the same now, as for a large group of us the traumatic events that have effected the states and worldwide since we've been alive are enough for another couple lifetimes.

There is not really a way to make this a short story on the past year, so I'm going to focus on a few of the main points of what I learned and what I think could help you, too. Life impacts: [1] moving (twice), [2] going to therapy, [3] grieving and boundary setting, [4] losing two more jobs.

I could write a novel about each, but for now, lets focus on what was so challenging causing me to look inward at myself and what I needed for me, to actually be happy and productive in a life I started to hate again.

Every time I tried writing, drawing, painting; the creativity and passion was gone. I went back into feeling nothing again. Sad most days, angry and numb the rest of them. I was scared of my own thoughts and myself. Writing became a hassle, life became unbearable, it felt like I was stuck back in a loop. I felt everything fall apart again, stuck in the black hole I tried so hard to get out of. So many people were confused, "how could you have so much and still feel this way?", "It can't be that bad, we're all going through it." I can't even express how discouraging and unhelpful those comments and mindset are.

“Some days I'm afraid to write, because sometimes the honesty kills me.” - Perry Poetry

Moving .. Twice

Moving back in with family, or living with family after you leave, is hard. Not because you don't love them, but you have your own routine. Same goes with living with people. My biggest realization was not how to live with people again (even though that was hard and I'm still working on it). It was to understand compromise. I'm awful at compromising. I like things a specific way and get a temper when they're not.

[1] Learning how to manage that while coming to the realization that things are not less mine just because I don't do literally everything for them. (i.e. just because I don't; pay for, clean, and provide for the entire house .. does not make it less mine.) Once I got comfortable with that and changing things with the people I live(d) with, it made things a lot easier.

Therapy .. & Diagnosis 2

Most people see therapy as a negative. "You only go if something is wrong with you.", "something has to be wrong.", "Something needs fixing." Which might partially be right, but you don't "need something wrong with you" to have the need to go to therapy. It's a learning experience. It's a space for you to learn what should have been taught to you; ways to cope, deal with daily issues, understand yourself and emotions better.

[2] If anything, getting a diagnosis was more comforting to me than it was tragic. You can always look at it as "this is what's wrong with me, that's why I'm fucked up." Or you can look at it as, now I know. Now I can understand myself better and work with yourself and (if you have a good one) therapist to managing things better.

Don't get me wrong, going to therapy is one of the most daunting things. Fitting it to your schedule, figuring out if they're a trustworthy person, if you blend, .. so many questions. Which I will be answering about therapy; how to find one for you, what I looked for, what helped me narrow it down, and more in a different post.

Nothing is worse than staying in a headspace that you've outgrown

Boundaries .. & Grieving

I'm not going to deep dive into a lot of this, the list goes on. We have all had losses (big, small, mental, physical, emotional...) that have caused us more pain especially lately. You need to give yourself time to grieve, understand/ feel your emotions and what your body is telling you; this is also the best and most crucial time to set boundaries (in my opinion). While you are in the moments of feeling and the waves of understanding.

[3] You know what effected you. After being in such close quarters with everyone, it makes it easier to know what triggers and effects you. Write down what they are, or who, it could be anything (or take a mental note). Figure out what you need to help you. Understand how you reacted and what you can do to regulate how your body and mind are reacting to the situation.

Job loss .. & Bounce back

Working in a job you thought would be everything, but actually destroys you is absolutely dog shit. To put it simply. I hated the first job I got after covid happened. I only lasted a month, and barely even that. I would sit in my car debating on walking in the door or turning around to go home. Once I left that job and got one I started to like again, that one ended.

[4] This helped me understand what I actually needed in a job to be happy. Don't forget that when you are being interviewed, you also can interview the people in front of you. It's not one way, even if it feels like it. You need to mesh with their company and values just like they need to mesh with you. Getting the understanding of that before an interview will not only help you with job selection, but help you with your confidence before an interview.

I tried to cram a lot into this 'first post back', since we have missed so much time together. But I have so much to share reflect on, and learn with you all.

I'm excited to keep learning & growing with my savages.

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Much Love

xx

Thee Savage